
(60:365) on white this is in response to jeramy lim's photo kind of. at the end of my freshman year of high school i weighed about 160 pounds and wore a size 12 - not good for a girl my age and my height. i decided to go on a diet that summer before sophomore year - i chose weight watchers. i exercised some but mostly ate better. i lost about 30-40 pounds by the end of sophomore year. but at what cost? i became obsessed with eating less and less - i would get mad if i ate more than "12" points (i was supposed to eat 20). if i ate more i just became depressed and usually just sat alone in my room. i didn't like going out for pizza, i didn't eat french fries. sometime during my junior year i taught myself to throw up - it was my escape. i was awful - doing it three times at day at my worst. i eventually pulled over a friend of mine and he got me to therapy and i was on an anti-depressant - but i only got worse. i depended on boys to make me feel better, which usually just made it worse. my senior year i started dating a guy who for some reason or the other made me stop - maybe he gave me confidence, maybe i didn't want to look puffy cheeked, maybe he just gave me perspective. i didn't throw up for about three months until i saw our relationship crashing and burning and it all started again. when he broke up with me he said something along the lines that basically when there things happen they never go away and that he really didn't think i could do it. it's been almost three years and i haven't since. i still have issues that stem from that. i don't like to see what i weigh - i don't really know. i will get incredibly upset if we don't run every single day at times. i will just get mad and not want to do anything because i feel fat or something. i can be a real pain because of it. my teeth have been messed up by it. my appetite was screwy for about a year. but i don't blame it on the media. nicole richie is skinny- but so what? it isn't her fault. i don't blame it on my boyfriends or my parents or my friends. it's my fault. my insecurities, my short comings, my mistakes are no one's but my own. and i think perhaps this is what made me better. i couldn't rely on a boy. i couldn't rely on a friend. i had to find it in myself to pull me off the ground. i am responsible for my actions. don't look at the statistics. don't point your fingers at the media or anyone to say that's why. don't feel bad for me - my gosh don't. that was stupid of me to ever ever do. just maybe learn a little something. by the way - i am now a size 2/4 and weigh goodness knows what. i don't really care. i go on a run or a walk with my boyfriend. i don't count calories. i eat - pretty normally.
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